more navel gazing

As I wrote yesterday's post about gazing at my navel, I looked for a few references explaining what "staring at my navel" actually means. Today, I was reminded to check wikipedia and found this interesting entry on "navel-gazing":

"When thou art alone in thy cell shut thy door, and seat thyself in a corner; raise thy mind above all things vain and transitory; recline thy beard and chin on thy breast; turn thine eyes and thy thought towards the middle of thy belly, the region of the navel (bj aXos); and search the place of the heart, the seat of the soul. At first all will be dark and comfortless; but if thou persevere day and night, thou wilt feel an ineffable joy; and no sooner has the soul discovered the place of the heart than it is involved in a mystic and ethereal light." (Gibbon, Decline and Fall, c. 63) This quote is the source of the common phrase contemplating one's navel, or more recently, navel gazing, which is used to indicate a supposed pointless form of activity.

Adapting it for a pregnant lady, "When thou art alone or with thine partner, seat thyself on a softly cushioned chair; raise thy mind above all things vain and transitory; recline thy chin on thy chest; turn thine eyes and thy thought towards the middle of the thy bulging belly, the region of the protruding navel; and search the rounded mound for activity. At first all will be still; but if thou perservere at least 15 minutes, thou wilt see the skin protrude from an inner movement that will produce ineffable joy."

staring at my navel

"Staring at my navel" typically means "doing nothing" and usually implies boredom. With an active 6 month old fetus in my belly, staring at my navel means "an exciting evening of wonder and awe watching the kicks and pokes distort the smooth curve of my abdomen." And, it's a multi-person activity...J stares at my navel for a while then speaks into the squirming pod: "don't kick your mother."

feeling good

The "big" feelings that started at the wedding a week ago have lingered throughout the week and were exasperated by the scale tipping 7 pounds heavier than my goal. Sprinkle in a tour of the birth center and by Saturday night I was squashed by reality: overwhelmed, sad, and fearful.

It was a sunny, warm evening and I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to do - except go to a Karl Denson show and drink a glass of wine...but Karl wasn't in town. J was fixin' to get ready to play guitar and do some work, but saw that I needed some support. He patiently discerned that mini-golf was the appropriate treatment. By the time we'd finished 18 holes, I was laughing at his goofy antics. We headed to the mall for a hot fudge sundae, to look at cribs, and to buy a bra to accommodate my new, fuller size (and to be shocked that it's increased 4 cup sizes!). He also talked me into a nightshirt, a robe, and some slippers so that I'd be more comfortable around the house. (he's so cool. i'm so lucky.)

First thing Sunday, I yogaed to the prenatal DVD, then felt some of the lingering sadness from the previous night. I searched the music archives for something to improve my mood and it was Nina Simone's "Feeling Good" that drew tears followed by a connection to nature and life that inspired me to finish Phase I of the 4 phase "garden overhaul." Luckily, it was another clear, autumn day.

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

As I cooked breakfast, we listened to Karl Denson and J discovered that my one wish from Saturday will be granted on Wednesday: we have tickets to see Karl play at Chop Suey. Thank you universe! [Ask and you shall receive, eh?]

I spent the rest of the day in the yard, happy to have pulled myself (with J's help) from the moment of darkness. Phase I is complete.

the pregnant lady on the dance floor

coastal alcove
Originally uploaded by anneke boudreau.

I went as LM's guest to M&J's wedding at Camp Westwind - a YMCA camp on the Oregon Coast. The ceremony was at the outdoor "ampitheater" - logs for benches surrounding an arbor of hops, bamboo, and hydrangeas. During the ceremony I remembered our wedding and our promise to drink deeply of life. Just how deeply we'll be drinking was acknowledged by extremely active kicking from within - almost as if he was agreeing or thanking or anticipating.

It was a beautiful, modern, heartfelt ceremony, followed by dinner and a reception. Some folks took a boat back to their cars around nine, the rest - like us - stayed the night in one of the cabins. It was like being back at camp in so many ways, except the insecurities were different. ;)

I was a little intimidated by the other pregnant woman, who is due in November and whose belly seemed much smaller than mine. I'm on target to gain 30 pounds and although that is in the recommended range, I feel pressure (from myself) to gain as little as possible (while still gaining enough for both of us to be healthy). I looked at myself again in the mirror and thankfully realized:

1. I'm larger than her in so many ways - i'm taller, stockier, and wider. Plus, as I looked again, maybe I wasn't as big as I was imagining.
2. I have a narrow waist and seem to be carrying him out and high.
3. He has a lot of room to grow "up" - the fundus (top of the uterus) is just above my belly button. At 9 months, it should be up in between my ribs.

watery shadow
Originally uploaded by anneke boudreau.

So, for us, we're right on track. I need to trust that.

Plus, I was the pregnant lady on the dance floor. ;) J owns 360 vinyl in Portland, so of course they flew in one of the best djs for the reception. I've always loved to dance and it felt especially good to move with my belly...plus, the mix was masterfully outstanding. At one point he mixed "sweet home alabama" into "jack and diane" into something madonnaesque and all of that was over a modern, driving beat - maybe ludacris. He was mashing "on the fly" much better than many of the prerecorded ones.

There were several moms and lots of kids, so I had several people to talk with about maternity and birth. I think several of the younger women (in their 20's) weren't sure what to make of me. We're at such different places in life...although I was in a similar place just a few months ago. :)

Working out Friday and driving 5 hours on Saturday wrecked havoc on my back. The knot on my right side was so painful that I kept escaping to the ladies shower room to do yoga. I think my belly is pulling my back and pelvis out of whack. Thankfully I was with L - a massage therapist - and between her heavenly hands and my realization of my posture, by Sunday evening my back seemed ok again.

I crashed out earlier than most, which meant that I was up and on the beach early and alone. The tide was low so I climbed through the cave to the shadowy alcove full of starfish and anenomes.

All-in-all it was a great way to start our 6th month.

good rules, bad rules

A friend asked, "Are you afraid of being a bad parent?"

It's a tough question. I think the most important thing to do as a parent is listen - and I've had a lot of opportunities to hone this skill at work. I *have* to listen to all sides of a story - whether I agree with them or not. Then, I help figure out if there is a compromise between the different positions. I'm pretty good at seeing and respecting different points of view. I think this will be helpful as a parent because there's going to be this young man, with his own personality, desires, interests, etc.

But, what if my child doesn't talk to me? What if there isn't much for me to listen to?

I'm always amazed at my friends' childhood stories. They snuck out of the house, destroyed their neighbor's property, started smoking or doing drugs in Jr. High School, etc. etc. I wasn't an angel, but so many of those things never occurred to me. I didn't sneak around or lie because I pretty much told my parents everything I was doing. Why was that? What was it that they did that caused me to feel safe and open?

I think it was a couple things:

1. Emphasis on honesty and uncanny ability to catch me lying.
   Maybe I just wasn't a good liar or maybe my parents could read me well, but I just couldn't lie to them. Plus, they both emphasized how important it is to be honest and that one lie leads to another.
2. Good Rules, Bad Rules.
   Mom reminded me of the George Carlin bit where he describes the differences between good rules and bad rules. A good rule is, "don't stick your arm out the window." "Why?" "Because a passing car could rip it off." A bad rule is, "Don't run in the house." Why? "Because I said so." I think mom and dad created good rules (i.e., had good explanations for the rules) - either that or they took advantage of my gullibility. ;)
   

quitting isn't an option

I've had several moms agree that there are similarities between training for a 1/2 marathon and training for delivery. However, my mom pointed out that even after all of your training if you get to mile 11 out of 13 and you can't go any further there will be a sag wagon to haul you to the finish line. With labor/delivery, there's no point where you can say, "Ok. I'm done." ;)

22 weeks - labor day

meditating
Originally uploaded by anneke boudreau.

No laboring....yet!

Peaceful, sunny, Seattle day.

A weekend of gardening and 5th place in a poker tournament.

5 more photos are available. Photos by John.

capricorn

It looks like Gilhooly will be a Capricorn, so for fun I've been reading about the sign trying to imagine what he'll be like. Since we found out that he was 10 days larger than expected, I laughed when I read:

If you're a Capricorn, people are always thinking you're older than you really are.

from Capricorn Kid Profile

training

I'm glad I trained for and ran a 1/2 marathon before getting pregnant. It means I started out the pregnancy in good physical condition, but more importantly the mental conditioning carries over into preparing for labor. Here's my comparison of training for a 1/2 marathon versus training for labor and delivery:

activity	half marathon	labor and delivery
endurance training	run one or two times around Green Lake (3.1 miles) 2 or 3 times per week to build muscle and cardio endurance. also helps with confidence, "i set a goal and reached it!"	walk once around Green Lake 2 or 3 times a week to maintain weight, leg muscles, cardio, get fresh blood pumping to my brain and to baby, and relieve tension. also helps with confidence, "i set a goal and reached it!"
muscle training	50 sit ups 3 times a week, other upper body and leg weights	leg lifts, weights 5-7 times a week
yoga	daily - to keep leg and back muscles stretched to prevent injury	daily - to open up hip muscles, relieve back stress, relax, reposition the baby, prep for labor
diet	carbs for energy, protein for muscle repair, lots of water, fruits and veggies for overall health	carbs for folic acid, protein to build new muscles, etc. lots of water, fruits, and veggies to help everything grow. eating more variety in foods to give baby flavor so will hopefully have a wide taste for different foods
mental	"If I don't run today, the next run will be even harder and I might not finish the race easily. If I do run today, the next run will be that much easier and I will feel that much stronger and relaxed during the race."	"If I do walk today, I will maintain my weight, the baby will get a soothing jiggle for a solid nap, I will have more energy, and feel more confident tomorrow. Hopefully, I will have as much stamina as I need for labor and all the right muscles to push for delivery. Hopefully, by keeping relaxed now and keeping in touch with my body, come labor I will be able to stay in tune and relaxed. Keeping in shape now means less extra work later and I'll be more likely to run the November 2006 1/2 marathon."