let there be light

Z loves light. His favorite place is the changing table where he lays on his back and stares into the light above it. As we travel from room to room he looks for the light and if the light isn't bright enough he complains.

Other than that, Z is still mostly a squirmy, stinky, noisy lump. He has the ability to fuss a lot (not colicky-a-lot, but enough-a-lot that I'm happy J and grandmomma relieve me when I need a break). There are days like Tuesday where Z is content sitting in the swing or his crib while I do chores. Then there are days like yesterday where he wants to eat every 1.5 hours and starts fussing again as soon as he's done eating. Today was in-between - some fussing, some napping, some alert and cuteness. We're taking it day-by-day.

J creatively entertains Z. First J lays Z on the kitchen counter so Z can look into the light then puts a book on Z's belly. J asks Z, "how did that book get on your belly?" Then J marches Z around the house singing "happy, happy light. happy, happy light."

valentine's day surprise

valentine's day surprise
Originally uploaded by anneke boudreau.

J sat Z at the table for our Valentine's Day dinner. Grandmomma took this photo of Z reacting to J.

baker's dozen

Z had his one month check-up yesterday. In the last month he has gained 3 pounds and grown 1.5 inches - that makes him 13 pounds 1 ounce heavy and 21.5 inches long. The nurse joked that I had "bionic milk." :) No wonder I've been sore this week.

J's parents have been in town since Sunday. We've spent the week nourished by MB's fabulous cooking. All of the meals have been wonderful but she went all out for Valentine's Day dinner. She brought red lacy placemats, Valentine's Day napkins, red and white doilies, and a rose candle. For dinner, we ate pasta and salad and for dessert we had a fluffy, pink strawberry cake with chocolate-dipped strawberries. Grandmomma joined us for dinner and brought wine, flowers, and gifts - including a handmade card for Z ("I'm starry-eyed over you." :) The grandmothers took photos of Z in his new Valentine's Day outfit and of the gaiety around the dinner table. I wish I had some photos to add to the blog, but I was enjoying the moment too much and didn't take any photos. (I'll try to add one of grandmomma's photos later - she took a great one of Z propped up by J at the dinner table.)

Before dinner, J and I exchanged gifts - he gave me a beautiful pair of Jasper earrings and a wooden box that says, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao tzu" - a wonderful statement for how we've been feeling the last month.

Yesterday, we loaded up grandmomma's van and drove one hour north to Bellingham then headed south on Chuckanut Drive. It was Z's longest trip (6 hours) and allowed us to create a list of "firsts:"

• My first time changing and nursing Z in the backseat of a car.
• Our first meal with Z in a restaurant.
• My first time changing Z in a restroom.
• Z and my first trip to Bellingham.
• Z's first drive down Chuckanut.
• Z's first trip to an art gallery and antique store (with grandma B).
  

Z is 1/3 the size of J but Z's bodily noises are as loud or louder. The only baby-size noise Z makes is his sneeze - the cutest little "achooo." I can't even begin to describe it...this calls for the video camera (I'll try to record and publish a video). As for his vocalizations, he doesn't have many shades of gray. He's either content or he's howling. It's been confusing because the howl can mean "I'm hungry - feed me NOW" or "My diaper's a mess - change me NOW" or "I'm tired - I want to sleep NOW" or "I don't know what the hell is going on but make me feel better NOW" or "All of the above! Fix it. Stat!" I look forward to him figuring out the differences between his butt, belly, and brain so he can give us a better clue how to help him. Until he does, I'll keep up my Sherlock Holmes act.

little fingers

little fingers
Originally uploaded by anneke boudreau.

Happy Valentine's Day. Here is an up-close photo of Z's fingers - which will be one month old tomorrow.

why a c-section?

For the most part, I have accepted that we chose to have a c-section although I sometimes wonder if I could have done it naturally. I still believe that nature gives you no more than you can handle and I question my doctor's belief that my body was not able to handle Z. However, at the time, here are the facts we considered:

• I had been having contractions that were 5-8 minutes apart for 6 days. They did not seem to be getting closer together nor stronger - matter of fact I hardly felt most of them.
• I was 8-10 days past the due date (depending on if you considered 8 january or 10 january the due date).
• I had been dilated only 1 cm for 6 days.
• The ultrasound estimated that he was 10 pounds 10 ounces and showed that he was facing out instead of in - which could cause further complications during delivery.

Piecing together this information the belief was that the labor was not progressing because he was too large to move into my pelvis to trigger the next stage of labor. However, the doctor's visit caused my contractions to become closer together and more intense (as is often the case). By the time they started the fetal monitor (as we were prepping for surgery) my contractions were 2 minutes apart and more intense. J and I looked at each and considered for a moment that we should cancel the surgery and see if I could birth him naturally...but then the nurses told us of a couple who had left as we arrived. Her baby was 10 pounds 4 ounces. She had labored for 12 hours, dilated to 10 cm, and then the baby wouldn't come out so she went into an emergency c-section. That didn't sound like fun - to take that chance of laboring for that long or even to birth his head but what if his shoulders wouldn't fit? They'd have to break his collar bone to get him out. Was that the doctor's way of scaring us to play it safe? We'll never know.

What I do know - he's healthy and I still appreciate what I wrote previously about surrendering.

ch-ch-ch-changes

I've been trying to figure out how to describe the changes in my life and how they are affecting me. There are the emotional changes - a wider variety of emotions that are more deeply felt - and the physical changes - a stronger back from bouncing 11 pounds of baby several hours per day - but that doesn't begin to describe the big picture.

I should keep track of how many hours per day I spend looking at him - when he's sleeping, as he's eating, as J or grandmomma holds him. There is the time that I spend listening to him - while he's crying, snoring, sitting in the bjorn looking around, or just breathing. How many times a day do I bend to smell his barely-covered-with-powdery-blond-hair head?

I used to spend my days sitting at the computer and on the phone (now I stand in front of the computer for short bursts at a time and I'm usually bouncing him in the bjorn). I used to spend several hours per day worrying about people, problems, and politics: Should I try to stop this discussion and move onto the next topic? We've already had this discussion, do we need to have it again? If I step in will I upset someone? If I don't step in will someone be upset? Is this person making a valid point or do we need to challenge his or her assumptions? Do we need to do more research or should we go with this result? Is there a better approach or is this good enough for everyone to live with?

Now, I worry about how long he's been wearing his diaper and if it's causing his bum to flare up with a rash. Are the red spots on his cheeks baby acne that will clear up on its own in a week or has he inherited my eczema? Is he crying because he's hungry or overstimulated or bored or tired or is something else wrong? Am I holding him too much? Is it possible to hold him too much? Will he be able to sneeze the snot out or should I suck it out with the booger catcher? Is it time for another bath or will I dry his skin out?

Perhaps it is the hormones but the baby questions do not cause the anxiety of the work questions. The biggest difference seems to be my sense of time - there is none. There are hours when the sun shines and others when we see the moon. What I do minute-to-minute is not determined by a list nor by what I feel like doing, it's determined by what he needs. Perhaps because there are fewer options, there is less stress. Or, perhaps trying to cross all of the items off of a never-ending list is more stressful than simply making sure he's eating, sleeping, eliminating waste, and breathing.

Hmmm...maybe that's it. We're back to basics - with tangible results: clean and dirty diapers, empty and full stomach, crying or quiet baby, etc. etc. With work I never knew when I was done or if I was "right." Always guessing = always stressing?

I have 2 more months before I return to work. I'm definitely not ready to go back but I hope that in my time off I will learn how to be more in the moment so that when I do return I can minimize the stress and have fun with work again. Either that or find a way to ask more tangible questions, stop guessing, not worry about being "right" and feel free to make and learn from mistakes.

Zeb and Grandmomma

Finally, a sunny day for us to take some photos at the park down the street. He's wearing his new knit hat made by one of the women from mom's church. It's very warm, cute and all the right colors - he can wear it with just about anything. :)

bjorn identity

My favorite new recipe: pour one fussy Zeb into baby bjorn carrier. buckle up. walk around for about 5 minutes. voila! instant sleeping baby.

This a.m. we slept until 9, I fed him, changed his diaper, and then he was fussy. I put him in the bjorn and Presto! Now we can watch the super bowl hype in peace. Go hawks!!

My father's family is from Erie, PA - where I was born - and we lived in Pittsburgh until 1977 - during the 1975 super bowl win over Minnesota and the 1976 win over Dallas. My aunts sent Zeb a steelers bib and although my mom is cheering for the Steelers, she bought Zeb a Seahawks bib. He can wear the Steelers bib during 1st half and the Hawks during the 2nd...or not wear the Steelers bib at all. :)

Wednesday (?), momma and I took Z to Freddie's and then to the market. It was the first time I've driven him in the car/car seat and the first time I've taken him in public in the bjorn carrier. Even though we were out for less than an hour I was exhausted by the time we returned home.

Friday was an even bigger challenge - we drove the 45 minutes to Woodinville so that I could get my teeth cleaned. Mom sat with Z in the waiting room and he slept the whole hour. We made it home just in time for him to wake and feed. I'm happy to have a mouth of clean teeth.

I'm within 10 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight. They say that it takes 9 months to put on the weight and it should take 9 months to take it off. At this rate, I'll have it off within 3 - 4 weeks even though I'm eating like I've never eaten before. Yikes. I've also heard that it's less about taking the weight off and more about regaining the prepregnancy shape. It will definitely be a challenge to regain my abs from my first maternity photo.

This week, I haven't been following up on offers to cook us meals or responding to emails. I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed - the sleepless nights are catching up with me. We received a pack of bottles yesterday. I hope to start pumping this week so that J can do one feeding each night so that I can sleep for longer chunks. We're also hoping to go on our first date on 18 February - his one month birthday. Hopefully, a meal at Pasta Bella. mmmm.