ch-ch-ch-changes
I've been trying to figure out how to describe the changes in my life and how they are affecting me. There are the emotional changes - a wider variety of emotions that are more deeply felt - and the physical changes - a stronger back from bouncing 11 pounds of baby several hours per day - but that doesn't begin to describe the big picture.
I should keep track of how many hours per day I spend looking at him - when he's sleeping, as he's eating, as J or grandmomma holds him. There is the time that I spend listening to him - while he's crying, snoring, sitting in the bjorn looking around, or just breathing. How many times a day do I bend to smell his barely-covered-with-powdery-blond-hair head?
I used to spend my days sitting at the computer and on the phone (now I stand in front of the computer for short bursts at a time and I'm usually bouncing him in the bjorn). I used to spend several hours per day worrying about people, problems, and politics: Should I try to stop this discussion and move onto the next topic? We've already had this discussion, do we need to have it again? If I step in will I upset someone? If I don't step in will someone be upset? Is this person making a valid point or do we need to challenge his or her assumptions? Do we need to do more research or should we go with this result? Is there a better approach or is this good enough for everyone to live with?
Now, I worry about how long he's been wearing his diaper and if it's causing his bum to flare up with a rash. Are the red spots on his cheeks baby acne that will clear up on its own in a week or has he inherited my eczema? Is he crying because he's hungry or overstimulated or bored or tired or is something else wrong? Am I holding him too much? Is it possible to hold him too much? Will he be able to sneeze the snot out or should I suck it out with the booger catcher? Is it time for another bath or will I dry his skin out?
Perhaps it is the hormones but the baby questions do not cause the anxiety of the work questions. The biggest difference seems to be my sense of time - there is none. There are hours when the sun shines and others when we see the moon. What I do minute-to-minute is not determined by a list nor by what I feel like doing, it's determined by what he needs. Perhaps because there are fewer options, there is less stress. Or, perhaps trying to cross all of the items off of a never-ending list is more stressful than simply making sure he's eating, sleeping, eliminating waste, and breathing.
Hmmm...maybe that's it. We're back to basics - with tangible results: clean and dirty diapers, empty and full stomach, crying or quiet baby, etc. etc. With work I never knew when I was done or if I was "right." Always guessing = always stressing?
I have 2 more months before I return to work. I'm definitely not ready to go back but I hope that in my time off I will learn how to be more in the moment so that when I do return I can minimize the stress and have fun with work again. Either that or find a way to ask more tangible questions, stop guessing, not worry about being "right" and feel free to make and learn from mistakes.
I should keep track of how many hours per day I spend looking at him - when he's sleeping, as he's eating, as J or grandmomma holds him. There is the time that I spend listening to him - while he's crying, snoring, sitting in the bjorn looking around, or just breathing. How many times a day do I bend to smell his barely-covered-with-powdery-blond-hair head?
I used to spend my days sitting at the computer and on the phone (now I stand in front of the computer for short bursts at a time and I'm usually bouncing him in the bjorn). I used to spend several hours per day worrying about people, problems, and politics: Should I try to stop this discussion and move onto the next topic? We've already had this discussion, do we need to have it again? If I step in will I upset someone? If I don't step in will someone be upset? Is this person making a valid point or do we need to challenge his or her assumptions? Do we need to do more research or should we go with this result? Is there a better approach or is this good enough for everyone to live with?
Now, I worry about how long he's been wearing his diaper and if it's causing his bum to flare up with a rash. Are the red spots on his cheeks baby acne that will clear up on its own in a week or has he inherited my eczema? Is he crying because he's hungry or overstimulated or bored or tired or is something else wrong? Am I holding him too much? Is it possible to hold him too much? Will he be able to sneeze the snot out or should I suck it out with the booger catcher? Is it time for another bath or will I dry his skin out?
Perhaps it is the hormones but the baby questions do not cause the anxiety of the work questions. The biggest difference seems to be my sense of time - there is none. There are hours when the sun shines and others when we see the moon. What I do minute-to-minute is not determined by a list nor by what I feel like doing, it's determined by what he needs. Perhaps because there are fewer options, there is less stress. Or, perhaps trying to cross all of the items off of a never-ending list is more stressful than simply making sure he's eating, sleeping, eliminating waste, and breathing.
Hmmm...maybe that's it. We're back to basics - with tangible results: clean and dirty diapers, empty and full stomach, crying or quiet baby, etc. etc. With work I never knew when I was done or if I was "right." Always guessing = always stressing?
I have 2 more months before I return to work. I'm definitely not ready to go back but I hope that in my time off I will learn how to be more in the moment so that when I do return I can minimize the stress and have fun with work again. Either that or find a way to ask more tangible questions, stop guessing, not worry about being "right" and feel free to make and learn from mistakes.
posted by sp1ral at 11:20 AM
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