letting go
As I ran errands the other day I noticed the brilliant colors of the leaves on the trees and wondered why this year the colors seemed brighter and to last longer than they had in a few years. I realized this is the first complete autumn I've seen in 6 years - because I've been home and not on the road for work.
Today, I stood in my office...unable to work. Tired from the weekend, sore throat, and grieving. This room represents all that I have worked towards for the last 20 years...studying computers in high school and on into college, and graduate school...a culmination of dreams...helping to make the world a better place, striving to learn as much as I could, to contribute. Now it will become the place for a very different kind of contribution.
I'm full of so many emotions: love for my unborn child and my husband, fear for not knowing - what he'll be like, what i'll be like, how this will affect me and j, excitement for the possibilities, grief that things will never be the same again...yet a longing for the changes.
But, I think the overwhelming feeling today is grief. We'll be disassembling my office this weekend and as I sit in this room for one of the last times as my work space I realize how much I've done. I know I will take to mothering with the same enthusiasm and attention to detail, yet I hope I am more balanced. I've given so much of myself to my work and it's not always been healthy. With mothering, it must be even harder not to immerse myself...what will be the balance? What are the healthy limits? Am I afraid of losing myself in motherhood even more than I have in my job? Or, will I find myself and new dimensions to myself?
This job, while stressful, has been challenging and wonderful. The experiences, lessons, places, and people have been more than I ever dreamed. As much as I have complained about it, it is hard to let go. Not that I'm leaving forever, but things will change.
The last two days have been difficult because I have been so tired and unable to contribute as I should. I only have 8 weeks of work before maternity leave. I'll be away from work for 3 months and I have no idea how I'll feel about work in April. That scares me. I feel pulled between letting go and working harder than ever to get as much done before I go....letting go is winning and I've never felt that before. I feel guilty, tired, I don't want to let people down. Yet, this being inside is demanding my attention and I can't say "no."
We started birth class last night and this weekend is the shower. Even with all the kicking inside, it's still hard to believe that we'll really have a child in 10 weeks. Hard to believe that all those little outfits tucked away in the guest room will be full of life. And that this room will become someone's bedroom. And that I will be someone's mom.
Today, I stood in my office...unable to work. Tired from the weekend, sore throat, and grieving. This room represents all that I have worked towards for the last 20 years...studying computers in high school and on into college, and graduate school...a culmination of dreams...helping to make the world a better place, striving to learn as much as I could, to contribute. Now it will become the place for a very different kind of contribution.
I'm full of so many emotions: love for my unborn child and my husband, fear for not knowing - what he'll be like, what i'll be like, how this will affect me and j, excitement for the possibilities, grief that things will never be the same again...yet a longing for the changes.
But, I think the overwhelming feeling today is grief. We'll be disassembling my office this weekend and as I sit in this room for one of the last times as my work space I realize how much I've done. I know I will take to mothering with the same enthusiasm and attention to detail, yet I hope I am more balanced. I've given so much of myself to my work and it's not always been healthy. With mothering, it must be even harder not to immerse myself...what will be the balance? What are the healthy limits? Am I afraid of losing myself in motherhood even more than I have in my job? Or, will I find myself and new dimensions to myself?
This job, while stressful, has been challenging and wonderful. The experiences, lessons, places, and people have been more than I ever dreamed. As much as I have complained about it, it is hard to let go. Not that I'm leaving forever, but things will change.
The last two days have been difficult because I have been so tired and unable to contribute as I should. I only have 8 weeks of work before maternity leave. I'll be away from work for 3 months and I have no idea how I'll feel about work in April. That scares me. I feel pulled between letting go and working harder than ever to get as much done before I go....letting go is winning and I've never felt that before. I feel guilty, tired, I don't want to let people down. Yet, this being inside is demanding my attention and I can't say "no."
We started birth class last night and this weekend is the shower. Even with all the kicking inside, it's still hard to believe that we'll really have a child in 10 weeks. Hard to believe that all those little outfits tucked away in the guest room will be full of life. And that this room will become someone's bedroom. And that I will be someone's mom.
posted by sp1ral at 4:17 PM
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